Why I’ve not been myself
Updated: Jun 22, 2020
I've been so busy these last couple of weeks, that I actually have cried from exhaustion.
Every time I get down, I am so harsh on myself. Regardless of being down though, I am constantly my own worst critic.
It's always looking in the mirror and realising that you've failed...again. There are days I look at myself in a different light, and I would think "but you were doing so well...what happened to you?"
It hasn't helped that my entire company went into liquidation, and that I've not worked and not been social and active. I had been scared to leave the house because I had no money and even worse, no source of income to justify any purchase.
I knew regardless that I was going to be made redundant in September this year, however I had no idea that it would happen in this way and it shocked me, just like it shocked all of my colleagues, and because I'm a MAJOR empath I spent the day after crying for my colleagues who had children and bills to pay.
These last 12 weeks have genuinely been the hardest of my entire life. I've hardly slept. If I have slept it would’ve been because I'd gone to bed at 3am and tired myself out so that I slept throughout the day time, so I didn’t notice that I have nothing to get up for in the morning.
On the 30th September, I started working for Prada.
When I got the job I was honestly buzzing.
I worked a total of 4 shifts.
On my last shift, I had to hold back the tears, whilst maintaining the displays, and I was just like "this isn't ME. This isn't what I do". And when I got home I just sobbed. I felt so deflated and anxious. I felt like I'd made an idiot of myself so my anxiety flared up and I said to my Dad I just simply cannot go back. I told myself that they didn't care. It didn't make sense, and to be honest, I should've known I wasn't in the best state of mind to be taking on a new job, after losing a job I really liked in that way that I did.
So I didn't go back.
Am I ashamed of that? No.
But I did feel like I failed, and had wasted their time.
So after I walked out on that job, I spoke with my Dad.
I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I have anxiety, or if I was just a people pleaser, but I was scared I was going to make my Dad feel disappointed in me for not "giving it a shot".
I knew I just couldn't do it, it wasn't what I was used to.
I was just being silly, and I knew my Dad would always support me in whatever I chose to do but I just broke down, he put his arms around me, and said "Jodie, nothing could stop me from being proud of you".
This just made me cry even more.
It made me so emotional to hear those words, as I had not been proud of myself for some time, and my Dads opinion, above anyone else's, meant the most to me.
So I thought to myself, maybe I will go back into what I know and love, and so I did. I spoke to a business owner who was looking to open his own travel agency, and asked him for a job.
He was very inviting to me, and I knew I could approach him for a job - as I had known him from before when I was trying to find a job before my proposed shop closure, but turned him down due to the fact the new store wouldn't have been based in my hometown.
He practically begged me to come work for him before, so I was pretty certain I had a good chance.
We organised to meet and so I attended an interview with him. I always envisioned myself when I first started in travel that I wanted to be a manager or something similar one day and he was very inspiring to me as he had his own business - and he knew what he was talking about. So it seemed.
Anyway, I left the interview and I felt good, I had bonded with him I thought, and it felt good to finally feel good about myself and the direction I was going with my career again.
So I called my Dad and was so excited and he was excited for me too. The fact that it was an independent agency just made it even better, as I knew I would be able to sell all different kinds of operators and I would rarely have a customer walk out without booking their holiday with me - so I was over the moon.
Long story short, I got the job. I accepted. Received my contract in the post the next day.
Darrell (the boss) told me that if he could "round up all the things he wants in a travel consultant, put it in a bottle it would be entirely made from me“ which was nice to hear. He also gave me a pay rise from what I was on before with Thomas Cook, which was amazing.
I went to bed feeling content and secure, something I had not felt for a while.
I woke up the next morning to a text from my old manager. I was half awake so I was reading it through slitted eyes but I leapt out of bed once I had read it.
"Hi Jodie. I hope you're okay. I know you have just accepted a new job. But just thought to let you know that Hays Travel is opening the old branch. If you want your job back let me know and I can pass this onto the regional manager".
I couldn't believe my eyes.
I wasn't sure if it was some sick joke. But of course I said yes.
I didn't even think twice. I didn't even think about my new job with Darrell. I just said yes.
Today’s date is the 26th November. Over two months since Thomas Cook Collapsed, over 5-6 weeks since John and Irene Hays bought our entire retail estate and here I am today, employed as a brand new agent for Hays Travel.
I’ve had to go through 2 months worth of grovelling and depression to come out this side. In late September and October I honestly thought I couldn’t go on. I’d lost a job and a work family I adored and when I walked out on Prada with having nothing lined up for me, I felt like the biggest failure on planet Earth. I am over the moon to be in the mental state I am now.
I would never have though that not being paid for 3 months on the trot would’ve helped me grow and appreciate so many things I took for granted. Now every single booking I make for Hays Travel I think of the benefit to the company and am so sincerely grateful to the people who still use a travel agent and keep us in a job, and prevent a situation like the Thomas Cook collapse ever happening again!
I am ever so grateful as well for all of your patience you’ve had with me over the last few months. I’ve found it so difficult to get I inspired, as you guys know Blondepedia is a self care and self love blog and for me to write for BlondePedia requires me to be empowered and feel magic about myself and naturally I haven’t felt like that recently.
Everything that has happened to me this year have proved and brought to the surface those who really care about me. And if you’re reading this now, you know it‘s you!
Very, very soon I’ll be up and running again on Blondepedia doing what I love!
I can not wait to feel more Jodie again!
All my love x