My Self Dependence Bible: Help yourself!
Yes, hello, it's me....the greatest flaker of ALL time. I stopped blogging for a little while to focus on other things, but now I'm back.
I recently have realized I've been giving out some pretty amazing advice (toot toot on the ego train). My issue is that I can hand out advice to all my friends faster than a Jehovah's witness can shove a leaflet through your front door, but I can never take my own advice - which is annoying. I mean, I am getting better at it slowly, I mean everything is a growth journey, right? (Obviously, spare a thought for my physical growth journey, I've not grown in the upwards direction since I was 13 years old).
This is a quick at-a-glance guide of how you (and only you) can help yourself to get your shit together, in baby steps. These are things you can actually achieve and feel pretty damn put together in the process, and that's like, the best feeling in the world.
It will increase your productivity, perhaps at work or just in your day to day life, and also increase your happiness levels too - which is essential!
So this is my self dependence bible...and I'm aiming it directly at you.
Accept the fact that you are already complete, and stop searching for people to fix you
I know you've probably had a shit time at some part in your life. Everyone has..it's only human. I don't believe anybody who says they've never experienced sadness, depression, bad days, it's not natural, one of the things that's equally as beautiful and painful, is that as humans, WE FEEL EVERYTHING.
Men and women.
But the one thing I beg you to stop doing, if nothing else, is searching for answers or looking for somebody to "put back together your broken pieces". Sometimes, there are NO ANSWERS and sometimes you just have to let it be... and yes, you've had some bad experiences, you could've been cheated on, emotionally or physically abused, time will heal you, I promise. You could've been left by a parent or you lost someone close to you that you're struggling to get over. Life is one big healing process, and time WILL heal you.
...you will also learn to heal yourself all on your own and that is pretty damn amazing. It is okay to ask people for help, I would actually encourage you to do so, but don't go on a regular hunt for somebody to fix you - you can only do this yourself, and you do not need somebody to complete you, believe me. If you can master this, you are on your way to an amazing life.
I wanted to address, that being on your own is not a symbol of loneliness. Speaking on behalf of girl-kind (I can relate, as I've been one my entire life)
(Christ, I'm such a dad joker, it's embarrassing)
Many people believe in the stupid social stigma that you are born into a nuclear family, you are raised (as a woman) to be polite and sweet and caring and maternal yada-yada, to want to get married to the most perfect man and have a perfect wedding and a perfect wedding dress and have children and give them the most obscure names, and then this stigma repeats generation, after generation, where girls are feeling shit because they don't have any of these things from the "checklist of life". It's bullshit and you don't have to conform to a life grocery list to be important and special and to have a voice. (You are all those things already, FYI)
You aren't a loner for being on your own, for taking care of yourself, for taking the time to find out who you are and what you want from life. The true loners - are the ones who listen to what they are told and don't question the stigmas. You're doing fine and you don't have to conform to anybody's expectations, not your Mother's, Grandparents, friends, Auntie, Mother-in-law, or that long lost cousin who lost contact with your family ages ago but now suddenly wants in because she realized what an amazing baker you are (Anybody will come crawling back for a slice of cake). Nobody can tell you what pace you must grow at.
Change is inevitable!
Understand this one fact and you're set for life.
You cannot fixate yourself in a comfort zone, I know this because I've tried to set up an entire camp (complete with tent, blow up bed, picnic table and an electric marshmallow toaster - because turning a manual stick would be far too adventurous and out of my comfort zone) ... and lived in my comfort zone.
I did this for my whole entire life up until the past couple of years and honestly, it gets you nowhere. Although, "grounding" is super important (a technique taught to me by a counsellor), you have to let yourself go sometimes, too. Grounding is a great method to bring you back down to earth when life just feels direction-less and up in the air. It focuses on breathing, so while change can be one of the most overwhelming things to experience in life, grounding yourself helps a hell of a lot.
Just know that people will ALWAYS change, everyone is on their own growth journey, just like you. Let them change, even if it isn't what you want to hear or what you want to do. Just let people be happy! But most importantly, let yourself be happy too. And always remember, everything happens for a reason and everything is happening just as it should.
Listen to your Grandparents
When I visit my Grandma, it opens my eyes. The wisdom my Grandma has is crazy. I asked her what her biggest regret in life was and she said not experiencing her teen years and early adult life properly. She married when she was in her late teens, and has been with my Granddad ever since. They've managed to stay together all these years (over 60 years!) but she said she would've been able to see what she wanted from her life rather than just cooking and cleaning for her husband and looking after children.
She told me to talk to all different kinds of people, care for everybody as you wish to be cared for yourself and don't let anybody dish you shit. I can tell my Grandma everything and she will have the best advice, so make sure to listen to your grandparents, they can really help bad situations and can remind you of where you came from.
Never ignore your gut!
You wouldn't ignore your body's natural reaction when it's in pain, so don't ignore your gut instincts. Your body has a natural sensor for red flags, don't ignore them! Every single human being is born with a pre-installed conscience. If you get a bad vibe from someone and you know it, don't push it to one side and don't dish out chances. Respect your mind and body and leave it out, for your own well being, you will thank me in the long run. People's actions and words should ALWAYS correspond, so if they say they're going to do one thing, and you think to yourself "this is a good quality, they're saying good things they're going to do" but then when it actually comes down to it, they've done something completely contradicting of their words, or even, nothing at all.
*starts waving my red flag around frantically*
Many people (including myself) fall into the trap of thinking "eh, maybe next time they'll do the thing they said they would, they're not a bad person, they need another shot at it" kind of thing...Sure, everyone deserves at least another shot, but don't be out there dishing out chances like you're some kind of dinner lady. Remove that toxicity and LISTEN to your gut.
Don't keep toxic people in your life just because you have history together
If you're anything like me, you just want to see the good in people and in the world - even though the world is a pretty sh*tty place and people are truly the sh*ttiest they've ever been, literally ever.
But guess what?
Life really isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and you really don't have a choice but to take the good with the bad. Stop ignoring red flags and get rid of toxicity in your life. (I don't want to shout here, but please believe me when I say that you are aware of what's good for you and you are aware of what isn't good for you, so act upon it and start living your life).
You get to make the choices! You get to decide who you spend time with - and let me tell you one thing I've learnt...you become the people you spend the most time with. If you are around somebody negative or someone that constantly tries to bring you down - then you will start to act differently, it's fact. You will start to believe the things they say, it could be anything from negativity about themselves, or negativity aimed towards you, just eliminate it from your life and you will be far happier!
Don't push your morals and feelings aside in order to be the "peacemaker"
DO NOT compromise yourself, your morals, your mental health, your feelings, your happiness, for anything or anybody. If you don't like someone's actions, don't f***ing put up with it. If you don't like it, don't do it. If you don't agree with something someone has said, don't be afraid to disagree with them and leave the situation behind you. It's simple. You know the things you believe in and the things you stand for, do not compromise that in order to keep peace, this is only going to degrade you and you will lose yourself, trust me!
I spent 99% of my entire life pushing aside my own feelings, dropping them into the bin almost, for everyone else's sake because I wanted the other person to be happy more than I, myself, wanted to be happy. I still believe in caring for everybody but it isn't going to be at the expense of my own happiness anymore. It's my own turn to be happy now, and if anything or anybody tries to compromise with that goal, I will hold the door wide open for them, and I hope that one day you can find the strength in your heart to do that too.
Start doing your bloody work! And reward yourself for doing so
Listen, I don't want to sound like your naggy mother when you scored a low A in a maths assignment during school, ( I was lucky to get a C) but let me remind you that almost nothing is more rewarding than leaving work after a long shift knowing you've achieved something during the day. (I KNOW you have felt this feeling at some point during your working life!) Start putting the effort in more at work, it will really pay off. And plus, if you work in an environment where you can climb the career ladder, than start working your butt off and start saving for your future, your future self will thank you for it.
Buy some cute planners or something that will motivate you to do better. I use a planner to plan my day before I get to work. I normally know the tasks I have to do before I've got to work, and then I use it to plan my day after work too.
Skin care is your new best friend
Help your body help itself by investing in skin care products. They don't have to be anything flash and high end, just a simple cleanser, toner, serum, day / night moisturizer and invest in a decent face wash and exfoliator.
Create a skin care routine that works for your skin type, make sure to do research - you can go to see a dermatologist to get the most accurate result of your skin type, or you could just use the power of the internet, there are plenty of quizzes. Find out what works for you and try to stick to using the same products that work best for you (changing skin products can sometimes trigger a skin reaction).
Music is a healer
Get yourself on Spotify, if you aren't already, and create yourself a playlist full of all your favourite tunes. It sounds corny and stereotypical, (and I hate it just as much as you) but music is what keeps me going through some seriously tough times, so try it out for yourself and get yourself moving, singing, dancing, to some great music.
Well that's me, I'm out. If you don't know where to start, that's fine. Like I've said throughout the blog you go at your own pace.
However, for things to start changing and looking up, you have to be committed to helping yourself and being self dependent.
You have to set goals and stick to them or things won't change. If you ever need any help, or somebody to talk to please drop me a message on Instagram @jodiemaywills, always happy to chat to anybody that needs help crossing a busy crossroad..(in basic talk, I'm happy to help).
Keep smiling lovelies, and see you soon!