• Jodie May Williams

Life is a crap carnival with shit prizes

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

I find optimism annoying. Not annoying in the way as you would find a child screeching at the top of their tiny lungs, or as irritating as a customer that pulls on the door before the shop has even opened, but annoying, as though...it's just not real. I'm a realist, and as Stephen King once said “It wasn't fair, but what is? Life is a crap carnival with shit prizes.”

Recently, I made a conscious effort to try and “be more positive”. (Whatever that means). I personally identify as a realist, not an optimist. And I take pride in that. Because nothing annoys me more, when someone is annoyingly optimistic.

I don‘t want to be that person that tries to oppose optimism, because it really has a lot of positives (pardon the pun). But it really does us no favours. I’m just saying, it does sound very ridiculous when you’re unemployed, doing nothing to motivate yourself and to then post a quote like “God has a plan. You will get what’s coming to you”.

Well, no. You actually won’t get what’s coming to you if you don’t go out and work for it. You have to go and make your life happen and stop waiting for life to happen to you.

I know this because I always hoped that somebody would be more confident than me, and so I just let life happen. I never voiced what I wanted, so therefore, I never got it. I never set out for things or people, so life just happened to me. So, take this from somebody who knows. Take my relationships (or failures, whatever you wanna call them) I’ve never actually “chased” anyone, I’ve always waited for someone to fancy me rather than me going for who I wanted.

However, as I’ve said before, optimistic values are a life saver in very, very bleak life setbacks.

For example, when I’ve been depressed, sometimes lying to myself to get myself back up on my own two feet again is needed. That’s all optimism is, it’s lying to yourself.

When I was younger, I used to preach the quote “fake it till you make it” which mainly started from fake tanning, (more weird anecdotes from me) - as I would always have a pop at my Dad, telling him to stop bathing in the cancerous rays of the sun, damaging his skin and putting himself at risk, so I put him on some tinted moisturizer to give him a fake glow (which lasted about 3 days until he decided against it).

But - faking it until you make it, isn‘t a bad thing, and I really needed to lie to myself until I believed I could do anything I wanted.

I remember when I was doing research for becoming a travel agent and I watched a video on the job role, and I thought to myself "there's no way in hell I could ever do that" and it honestly scared the living crap out of me.

Another thing, is that I am obsessed with dark humor, so every dark joke where the majority of the room isn't laughing, I'm the one in the corner making whale noises and smacking the table with my fist, with tears coming out of my eyes. I find it hilarious when people react, that's probably also why I'm one of the most annoying people ever. Just ask my brother.

I genuinely feel like optimism has affected my mental health, and not in a good way. Because when I'm lying to myself, I feel disrespected. I feel not listened to.

For an example, if I was with someone and they had wronged me, I would often think "this will pass" or "they don't mean this" or "they'll change and we'll live happily ever after" all that kind of bullshit. This isn't f**king Cinderella, Jode.

Still, I do believe that the power of the mind is everything. What you think you feel, and what you feel you think. I don't believe in optimism, because of the above reasons. But I do believe in manifesting the life you want. Visualizing the life you want is the first step to being where you want.

I realized that when I was being optimistic, I always over looked actual problems. It's like getting a disease or terminal cancer, you never believe it will happen to you until it actually does. I think with life experiences, trauma is what causes pessimism. But if you are strong - it will cause realism.

And I feel that I have personally had a fair share of trauma in my life time, and being an optimist in my “previous” life has led me to be this person that I am today - a person that struggles to come to terms with bad people, bad behaviour and just generally seeing the world for what it actually is.

Now, I get irritated easily by overly optimistic people, or people that just ignore facts when the facts are staring them right in the face - so it’s impossible to ignore. It just generally annoys me because it’s not real life.

I‘ve noticed in myself over years that I have become more and more cynical, I’ve tried very hard to be positive, and I am about a hell of a lot of different things, but for an example, if one of my girlfriends asks me for advice on a boy and it’s something I’ve experienced before, the reality is that I’m going to be pessimistic about that certain fact. I won’t beat around the bush for something that’s affecting my friend who I care for a lot.

However, when it comes to facts about myself, life, career, relationships, etc, I do a fact swap and convince myself and lie to myself about things to “save everyone the hassle”.

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