• Jodie May Williams

I think I'm a banana tree

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

I’ve just finished washing my face, after coming home from work. I thought to myself, as I was looking at my wide pores and un-dyed roots... “I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried writing check lists so I can make sure I’m sticking to my beauty regime, and being my ‘best self‘, but i will not stick to it”

Then I started wondering and over thinking like I always do.

But then the little angel on my shoulder said “it’s because you actually like yourself, Jodie”

It was a lightbulb moment... because I didn’t actually care about the way I looked. I didn’t care that my naturally brown hair was showing from my roots, to unearth the blonde I show to the world. I didn’t care that my skin looked bad. I didn’t care that my eyebrows hadn't been plucked for a couple of days and was stray hairs galore.

Maybe it’s a phase, as I always seem to be obsessed with one thing - then the novelty wears off and I’m back to square one, and I phase in and out more than the moon.

Either that or I've officially lost the plot. In fact, I know I have lost the plot recently as Queen's lyrics "I think I'm a banana tree" have spoken to me in a way that no lyrics have spoken to me before.

Anybody know of any cheap therapy sessions? Thanks in advance.

In all seriousness, it's not a nice experience being made redundant from a job that you left school specifically to do, and trained hard and gained a qualification for, for it all to be ripped from you just because one day - it's not serving your company any purpose anymore and they want to cost save, and claim back some of their poor business decisions.

But I feel like I was letting myself just go...waste away. I tried to convince myself that maybe I did like myself, even if I didn't have all the usual maintenance, and self assurance and my positive mental attitude that I normally have, I just got lazy.

That's the harsh reality. I'm just doing the bare minimum.

And everyday I think to myself, I'm 20 years old. This decade of my life will be my prime. I haven't achieved half of what I want to achieve. I've just been settling. I just settled in my job when it was wearing me down, when it was reducing me to tears - I know all jobs have it's issues and don't get me wrong, working as a travel agent was such a good job in the first couple of years but it really does knock you down, especially if you are an empath because all I really wanted was to make so many people happy, I knew this was my purpose of being here on this earth and this is why it was the perfect job for me.

What better way to make someone happy than by sending them on holiday?

I was in control of peoples dreams, bucket lists and memories. It was a huge responsibility, and it really did get me down if things didn't go the way I wanted them to.

It's also heartbreaking, like recently, one of my regular customers, whom I had a soft spot for, he lived in a care home and had autism, but he was the sweetest man , almost puppy like - and he passed away last week, and I was truly devastated. He had holidays booked for almost every single month until October 2020, and he lived to go on holiday. Many of which, he had upgraded little elements of his trip to "treat himself". He deserved it. But God bless his soul.

I was settling because I put myself on the back burner. I would make mental checklists of all the things I needed to do for myself - but still to this day have not been done.

Like my blogging, for an example.

After spending hours and hours - wasting time thinking, dreaming, writing drafts and being angry at myself for failing to get inspired - I decided to forgive myself. I'm a human.

I had written so many drafts, that were just simply mediocre - therefore - they're not worthy of being on my blog.

I'm a perfectionist and it is a true blessing and a curse.

You may be wondering, why this post is called "I think I'm a banana tree".

The truth is, I don't know either, but it signifies that I really have lost the plot. But I think it's a good thing - as this is the most of myself I have felt in years. It is also to honour my life's idol - Freddie Mercury.

I'm not the kind of person to be obsessed with bands, musicians, actors, whatever. I don't care much for famous people, and I definitely haven't been known to obsessively idolise, I'm not religious and I don't believe in following. In fact, my whole life, I've done everything to be different.

But Freddie Mercury would've spoken to me in a direct way, even if he had not been famous, if I knew him personally. He's been my inspiration for as long as I can remember, and I'm not afraid to sound crazy - (because this whole blog post has been a mass of craziness, and maybe I'm proud of that) - but he did everything his own way, broke out of the norm and still was a perfectionist at doing things "the right way".

He was a man of his own art - this is something I aspire to be. I was not even a twinkle in my parents eyes, when he died in 1991. But he has touched my life. When I was 14 I was a nervous wreck, as I had been for most of my life, but I was beginning to get fed up with everyone doing what they wanted to do, and me not doing anything to better myself. My friends had joined a theatre group in our first year of secondary school, where they did a production of Grease (which happens to be my favourite film and I'm also a musical whore - it's just how it is) I chickened out because I was way too shy to be up on a stage in front of so many people. So I just sat at the sidelines, which I was used to.

Then in our second year, the drama department were organising a production of "We Will Rock You". I decided I was going to take part, as I was sick of missing out because of my crippling nervousness and anxiety. I took the production so seriously - I learnt all the songs, I learnt all the choreography and it was such a fun time. I felt proud of myself, and I believe to this day, the show was the making of me - even if I was just part of the ensemble. It kick-started my confidence.

Despite not being a follower, I believe it is incredibly important for everybody for someone to have as a role model. My Dad is my role model in that he is kind and sweet, and he is a great worker. And Freddie Mercury because he was unconventional, a perfectionist, loyal and worked hard until the very end.

Maybe this post should've come with a warning sign:

"WARNING! Crazy bitch at work."

I am proud of writing this with the biggest headache going. I'm proud of all my baby steps. I would also like to apologise for anyone's brain damage after reading this post. Have a good one.

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